I almost lashed out like an abused dog and posted a hostile wall of text, and I'm sorry for that. You're just trying to help and you don't deserve that.
I do envy hons for their ability to live how they want, but I'm simply not brave enough to do the same. A "chance" at happiness just doesn't seem worth potentially losing family relationships and more. I used to be numb to everything, but I got stressed and careless in college and now I can't stop feeling things. I'm even scared of feeling something like happiness and seal it away, because it just opens the door to more sadness. I don't want to listen to the doubt in my mind, but I have to because that's all there is.
I'm sorry, but I just can't do it. I'm so afraid of becoming a hon and the uncertainty about my quality of life that I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel as if I have to try to grit my teeth and try to be a man. I'm probably already a sad excuse of a man in the eyes of my family, but at least I can try to find a wife and have a kid or two. I couldn't be dominant if I tried and I push everyone away, so I'd probably just end up living a "life" full of missed opportunities before dying alone.
My head feels like a garbled mess of thoughts and emotions right now and I'm definitely going to be crying at some point later. You've done nothing wrong, I know this is all self inflicted (which makes it worse because I can't blame anyone but myself).