>tldr:anon the whiny bitch cries about everything yet nothing at the same time in his rambling personal blog.
I'm a miserable repressing pile of shame, regrets, and missed opportunities in my early 20's. Lately it's been hitting me pretty hard that it's only going to get worse, not better. I'm not talking only /lgbt/ related issues, everything just feels wrong like I fucked up. I can't do anything right, I don't even know what makes me myself anymore. I mean, what kind of person doesn't even know themselves? At the very least a person should know whether they're gay or not. I feel like my life is in pieces and that everything I've ever done in life has amounted to nothing.
The year I've had would have had great moments for any normal person, but I think so far this has been the worst year of my life. I knew the holiday season was going to be the roughest, since it is every year, but I didn't think I would get this bad. Everything I do feels so fake down to the very core of my being.
I hate myself, but at the same time I'm too afraid to make a change towards not hating myself, which makes me hate myself more. On some level I think I deserve to feel this way, as if it's my job to make other people happy and that I have no right to feel positive emotions.
Nobody I know irl would understand. It would just needlessly worry them and they would try to help me with some useless or misguided meme advice, so here I am crying on /lgbt/ of all places. I don't need those close to me treating me like a broken puppy. Maybe my close trans friend would make a good shoulder to cry on, but she's never alone and I wouldn't want to burden her with my shit.
I'm sure I've just had a really bad day today and I'll reset back to my default state of "sort of okay, but not really" tomorrow. I just needed to vent tonight.
I'm sorry if this isn't the right place for my venting, but I figure since my repression is a significant source of my distress it's relevant enough.